Hold On To Yourself

June 8, 2009 at 3:40 am 4 comments

It’s happening again. Jake is having a rough time. Screaming, meltdowns, little patience, more manic, furious when told “no” or denied something. Toileting skills out the window, three, four, five accidents a day. Pouring liquids out onto the carpet in front of his spot on the sofa; a weird, ritualized sort of behavior from way back that has resulted in a permanent black, mildewed stain there. And screaming, did I mention the hair-raising, bloodcurdling, migraine-inducing screaming?

Last week he squeezed my arm when upset about something. A couple of days ago he shoved me and later slapped my arm. Today he pinched me on the shoulder. None of it enough to cause any real damage, though I suspect I’ll sport a bruise from the pinch today, but signs of aggression that we haven’t seen in many months.

Even more distressing to witness, he’s begun hurting himself when upset again, too. Slapping himself in the face, punching himself in the head. Not all the time, but it’s gradually increasing to where it’s several times a week now. As long as I live, I don’t think I will ever stop feeling horror and heartbreak every time Jake becomes self-injurious. How terrible do you have to feel that you slam your own head against a wall? How frustrated must you be that you’re compelled to punch yourself full-force in the head? And how the fuck am I supposed to protect my child from himself??

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Entry filed under: Jake. Tags: , , .

After You’ve Gone Misc.

4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. barb  |  June 9, 2009 at 7:47 am

    one day at a time – I”m right there with you – holding your hand …

    Reply
  • 2. Hansi Brittain  |  June 9, 2009 at 7:48 am

    Oh Judy, I don’t know what to say. It sounds like hell for all of you. I pray for y’all every night.

    Reply
  • 3. Kathy  |  June 9, 2009 at 8:30 am

    ((((((((((Judy))))))))))))))) I’m sorry you are having to deal with this again. Meds maybe need adjusting? Jonah does the screaming bit at times too>

    Reply
  • 4. Mom  |  June 10, 2009 at 7:19 am

    I love you, its not much but its the best I can do.

    Reply

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